I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
