just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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