obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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