My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
