new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
