Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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