I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
