I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
