yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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