I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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