I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
