2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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