you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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