best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
