**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
