one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
