im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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