I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize