to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
