9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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