Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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