Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
