im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
