so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
