It's like a parade of train wrecks.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize