Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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