From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He did a backflip because drugs
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
