Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
