I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
the day after is always just damage control
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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