a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
