Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Randomize
