My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Randomize
