i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
