im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Randomize