Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
