My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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