Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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