i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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