Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Don't make out with my wife yet
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
