well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Randomize
