Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
