i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Randomize