I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
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