A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
