There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
