we're chasing vodka with high fives
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
