this boner is exhausting
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
