you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
