I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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