I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
