I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Randomize