Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
