I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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