I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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