someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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