I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
