We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
