im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize