I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
