I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
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