Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I'm going to jail i love you
Screwed.edu
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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