and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
