its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
