mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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