if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
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